I prefer writing in the past tense, and many of my students agree that it is easier to stay in the same tense and build plot in the past tense. However, I ran into an issue with instilling tension and immediacy to a scene while maintaining that tense. It felt stale and flat. I wanted the reader to feel present in the high energy moment, but it took a lot of reconsidering, reworking, and rewriting. It is, of course, out of context, and the formatting is not what I intended.
Here's what I came up with: As if by cosmic intervention, a general silence fell over the room as the political talkers took a breath to process the latest bit of terrible, unbelievable data Colin had spouted, David and Garrett were deep in concentration over a game of rummy, and Carson was mid-sip. The Pennywise song faded and ended. A power chord rang out and a not-quite-melodic voice brought the room to a halt. I’ve met some people along the way Some of them split, some of them stay Voices sprung up in unison around the room Some of them walk, some walk on by I’ve got a few friends I’ll love till I die Cards fell scattered on the floor. Hands reached out to grip shoulders. From all these people I try to learn Some of them shine, some of them burn Eyes closed, and chins turned up. Faces stretched into knowing grins trying to be sneers. Some of them rise, some of them fall For good or bad, I’ve known them all The room exploded. Colin launched across the couch to tackle Andrew. Sea Bass kicked wild legs, arms swinging. Carson’s knees bent, and she leaped over upturned folding chairs to land hard on the coffee table. Fist pumping and vocal chords straining, she was vaguely aware of Anna Marie’s wide eyes and tightly curled position. She knew this was a rude display of insider behavior, a ritual for the initiated to be performed at the expense of interlopers, even invited ones. But she knew her friend well enough to know that she would patiently take in the show like an anthropologist and survive the experience without hurt feelings and maybe even with a calm awareness of her superior maturity and development. We live our life in our own way Never really listen to what they say She felt a tug at her wrist and turned to see Mark with a reckless, ravenous, beckoning gaze. She tossed him her now-empty can and jumped in a twist to land on the roiling pile of her friends. The kind of faith that doesn’t fade away We are the true believers By the final, crunchy chord, the temperature in the room had risen several sweaty degrees, and red, grinning faces exchanged glances full of affection. Parker spun the volume down on the stereo that had been cranked near max. Anna Marie shook with amused giggles, still taking in the room with wide eyes. P.S. Thank you to the Bouncing Souls for the lyrics.
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AuthorMs. Jopling teaches English at Broadway High School, eats an unseemly amount of cheese, and laughs as often as possible. Archives
November 2017
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